(no subject)

[vaaa]

good morning valis

a new day

just breathe

oh. my hands are shaking.

well. went up.

puked 3 times.

which was pretty impossible.

because i had nothing in my stomache.

it just hurt a lot.

marya hornbacher didnt really explain anything about that.

stayed in bed for awhile. thought of some people.

and i dont know people. i know women.

but i dont really know them. not like other people know me.

i didnt really listen to anyone before.

and now theres not anyone around anymore.

so it doesnt matter.

it feels like prison.

except prison feels worse.

so i shouldnt wish nor compare it to that.

maybe mental depravation tank?

as for hunter biden and him smoking crack and being naked all the time?

well. maybe he didnt grow up with nice people around him.

i dont know what crack is about.

yep. theres 4 people i know of at the housing which are sickly thin.

first a lady who it happened to a year ago.

then 3 others half a year ago.

thats about metaamphetamine though.

in hot liquid version.

i told miss electro i couldnt fall asleep.

which was a lie. her place smelled disgusting.

and i guess she wanted to tell me she was a shit parent.

shes done drugs and fucked and everything around that.

we havent had sex which was good.

except, shes the only one ive felt magic with.

you know? sparkles? and they didnt really fade.

just in later years. i was going to see she and her ex husband at the time.

over a beer. i was going to treat them to one each. and then i was to buy some thai food.

they recommended something with a weird name. which had some other meaning. obviously.

we sat closed off. and. problem. she had mentioned before that i was cute.

and fat. like that sweet potatoe dish she treated to me in her hometown up north.

and she didnt think that after awhile. so that dude was gonna beat me up.

which he couldnt. because i was lucky i didnt live in the same municipality in stockholm as him.

i was together with miss ex then. which is my second relationship. but its really me first.

as for the one before. it lasted some days here and there. she said later she was afraid.

she was falling in love with me. she had guys on the side here and there.

but i figure she meant she wanted to drop them all and be with me and start a family.

but my history isnt a ballad. its just a tragedy through and through.

i was to have two more siblings. i have one sister. shes called sara. thats about all i know.

the first one was virginia. just some name mom came up with long ago. well. dreams manifest.

so shes out there somewhere somehow. then she liked her dad and smoked cigarrs with him.

and got pregnant in the early 70s with his baby. great. and she wanted the same fate for me.

except, sara was a demon child. she was more spoiled than me. yada yada.

i havent really told this story. which is the truth. which is boring.

because its just stating random boring interpretations of events.

in late 2006 i wrote some peace on a theme in school.

we had an actual good teacher. she wasnt newly examined at all.

i dedicated a book to her. "my favorite italian".

i gave it to her. she flipped through the first pages.

and lol'd at those words. great for me.

i felt unfulfilled.

then my family was visited sara and her dude. fredrik.

theyve been together since 1997.

when i killed her pet bunny.

great isnt? i do stupid random shit.

then something good happens?

so just keep being an idiot?!

and save the world that way?

wow. sounds great.

i feel normal today.

why is that?

oh. right. i tried to be normie yesterday. thought the world ended.

act common sensibly. then i broke out of it.

started talking like myself. and in english.

things shift for me.

i dont have multiple personality disorder.

except i do.

but its paralell realities.

so a blonde staff said some week ago.

"last year you said your name was linnea all the time"

ok. thought of that.

that was that asian chick in upper grade school?

weird. forgot about her. ner name.

everything.

i guess she regretted treating me badly.

dont really know that though.

why would i care for normies?

oh wait. theyre all like that.

the common stereotype is that east asians are smart.

no. they have great discipline.

and are masters in several arts.

doesnt matter what it is.

creative ones. science. martial arts.

cooking? i dunno. havent really known any.

so. my ex used a lot of names.

then near the end. she said she was going to get rid of her shadows.

her address on facebook was like "nickname" followed by 5 numbers.

great for her. i dont believe her. but she was a libra.

or the more accurate INFJ personality type.

or blood group type oh negative? i guess.

anyway. came up with a sketch to some poem about miss doggerland.

before that ugly talentless freak blocked me and made another shit poem

among many many other shit poems about me. which are like my bloglings.

except. not a lot of words.

well. miss poetry site. id been there some time. on a new account.

id commented loads. i followed some people. and commented on a lot of their texts.

and its a real community. there really arent many regulars. like. 100? or less.

i was apart of the welcome committee. maybe?

well. thats better than monster communities.

where you just get lost in the noise.

except, i did follow some people. and i wrote long detailed messages.

woah. weird? i wasnt even disgusting! and this was when i was together with miss ex.

but the shadowlands are weird. if you havent been there youre lucky.

everything is upside down. the more money you have. the worse it gets.

there are no race wars. its more gene wars. since no animals exist.

and no humans. only the greens and the greys.

the dragon like humanoids.

you know. the same ole?

opposing thumbs? maybe.

when did the dinosaurs die

about 65 million years ago
Dinosaurs went extinct about 65 million years ago

(at the end of the Cretaceous Period),

after living on Earth for about 165 million years.

ok. ive said that inaccurately.

id been putting the numbers together.

saying 250 million years ago.

well. 65 million is quite a lot of time.

i realized myself. i looked into the mirror. of personality.

isnt it great? retina reflector. mister misery.

mister deaddreamer.

oh. i guess others live in a fairytale.

i was on that level. dont know what frequency.

dont know which dimension from 0 to 100.

dont know anything about that.

well. i had no food and no money.

i did have a place to stay.

this went on for some weeks.

then i was treated to disgusting hospital grade food.

except, that holy computergeek had started here.

so it wasnt food and it wasnt nutricious.

it was composed of bugs. insects.

like bill gates wants us to eat.

except, its more complicated than that?

because bug magic is voodoo magic?

whats the difference between blacks and browns?

there was once some east asian at my job.

i figured she knew something about science.

because im so great at reading people.

and theyre better and they get tired of me silly quick.

so. wed been taking a minute or two.

and shed gotten enough of me.

so i mention i like phenylethylamine.

isnt it great?

now they have a synthesized form.

called fentanyl. and its the in thing to take.

and prince supposedly took it and i talked about it.

and isnt it great? in the liner notes for my album SBSP.

i pretented to be a rock star. they dont talk about chocolate.

or drugs. its called the sex and drugs and rock and roll lifestyle.

but thats perpetuated by the journalists.

and fentanyl is 100 times stronger than heroin.

and isnt that great? and i can write that in a galactic poem.

and i feel so creative and cool and like everyone else.

well. thats over. no more poems.

i write this boring shit blog. and thats it.

i added a bunch of people from australia?

in the melloyellobelo days.

fredrik started calling himself lello bello online.

great for him. i was mad at my sis and her dude.

i dunno why. it only dissipated recently.

and you know what? i was like you.

long ago. but then i evolved.

in my late teens.

i watched titanic. and thought it was cliché.

except two scenes about art.

in one scarlet says

"it was the most erotic time of my life".

great. poignant.

in the other, the ship is sinking.

and the orchestra wants to stop playing.

because no one is listening.

and someone says "they never did".

that sounded so cool and down to earth.

and i was such a great artist then.

and knew so much about art.

like. my mom saw my photoshops.

and that was about it.

she got into my room.

sat on my horribly disgusting bed.

and said it was so comfy.

"din säng är så skön".

ok. great for you.

she stopped saying that last year.

well. shes diligent.

so. she tried it for. what?

25 years? ok. great for her.

so women arent delusional like me.

that sex is great. its the meaning of their life.

and nothing else. no. have never had afterglow.

i had skin hunger after my first.

great for me.

so i call up everyone i know.

some women whose phone number id acquired.

one is a disgusting old had.

who makes oldskool revolutionary poems.

you know. like bob dylan before.

he was in that motorcycle crash?

and got into a coma?

going fast is great.

like that guy. who?

so bobs music sucked after that.

says reputable critics.

he made christian songs in the 70s.

then. i dunno.

then he just made wank after that.

then in the 00s. he made blues.

great for him. i guess i could make blues music.

if i had any musical talent and all.

and since "omg, [ive] got no shame!"

i can appropriate whatever i want.

and pretend im openminded.

that quote is from 2013-2014?

there was some filipino american

chick at the pathetic gimp place.

i was so great. so i asked what her indigenous name was.

and she said it. because im really subversive like that.

but wait! it got better. she wasnt that good at swedish.

and im great so i treat people horribly.

and never get anything back.

so id learned this wonderful word.

butterface. no one had called me that.

i dont get amused when i look up slang definitions online anymore.

when miss ex was talking it. it was really hopeless.

because just a single word can have so many meanings.

depending on context phrasing emotional expression

body language everything thats happened in the world

and with you and you and everyone else.

can be expressed with 1 word. or any of the other mentioned ways.

but since the world is great youll still understand.

some day. or directly. its called intuition.

so. dont know anything about creole. like anything else.

dont like the term "slang". i figure its an afrikaans expression.

and that language is a mix of south african indigenous languages.

and dutch. it sounds a lot like really stupid and dumbed down swedish.

isnt it great? because whites there are in big trouble.

its not that many of them. so someone joked about it.

or not. so if youre in johannesburg and want to go outside your house.

or anywhere. you and your mates need shotguns and ammo.

there will be black zombies attacking you.

doesnt matter night or day.

and something zombie fiction doesnt mention.

is that zombies get resurrected by their masters.

you know. like voodoo priestesses?

so. you go outside. blacks with either fast or slow movements.

try to eat you alive. so you shotgun them down.

now. this sounds fucked up.

except, when i mentioned this before.

i did it in an exstatic tone.

ya see. its simple.

redheads skin is composed of the same material.

as normies mucous membranes. isnt that great?

so everything about us is sex.

and we are resistant to everything.

it just makes sense.

we make antibodies on all planes of existance.

so. i got what i wanted.

i got "k" and i got the mirrored "i want everything like before".

i mean. i got tired of miss ex quickly.

she didnt take her abilify.

and if you dont do that you get fat.

which you dont. you get pregnant.

subspace is great like that. isnt it?

so. i figured she was fucking everything that moved.

all day. all the time. around the clock.

miss electro said our 2 kids would turn out autistic.

now. since i had that great intuition back then.

i figured miss corinna cast a spell.

and everything about them turned out alright.

oh wait. i still have some copy of that book?

its called rhiannon kirin. arent those names great?

rhiannon habibi angelino irazsche. the second kid. a dude.

isnt it great like that? just making shit up and being creative.

and you have 2 kids with great names and you named them yourself?!

then. the female. theresia babybel kirin johansson.

oh. had almost forgot their names.

even better. mr boss i havent seen in ages just bothered me

since he bought that book i mentioned. great future ahead.

everything is just wonderful.

wow. the psychiatric system is so great.

i said i few words to him.

and my despair ramped a lot.

i dont really have despair anymore.

but theyre so wonderful.

you can pretend you like them.

and you think everything is alright.

but they just stabbed you in the back.

oh. wonder what its about.

"we really need to talk".

is it sexual harassment?

i guess so. or worse things.

or its nothing.

and the psychiatric system has just decided

to crush my soul. since i felt horrible yesterday.

i could have been in that state indefinately.

oh. right. i bitched about normalcy.

i guess the unseen dont like that.

i havent really done anything out of the ordinary.

but they can make up any shit they want.

oh. havent taken any snus today.

logical. i puked. not a good idea to have something

bitter in your mouth then. then you just puke more.

its fucking cold. the sun is shining.

the sky is blue. and this is all my fault.

but i turned around that overthinking.

and just said i as the alpha and the omega.

this despair isnt passing. i havent eaten breakfast yet.

the psychiatric system. aka the greys.

always catch you at your peak.

oh. great. i looked at the time.

when it was 8/8/2022 8:11.

oooh angel numbers! meanings.

eat my shit.

oh wait. i wrote shit about miss doggerland.

and wrote some poem about her.

except i know nothing about her people.

tried to talk about an adjacent country.

but it just turned stupid.

ill delete that shitty melodramatic poem

and her comment to it and shell never acknowledge.

my existance again so it doesnt matter.

as for what people think about me?

i dont know. i didnt care before.

except i turned it around.

mr boss sounded annoyed.

upset.

which might have been since i told him to get away.

that i was busy. and come another day.

he replied hell bother me later.

i told him to shoo. and hell be back tomorrow.

well. anything can happen.

when i wanted to switch the injection to pills.

it seems like the psychiatric system got a psychosis?

its like that muppet place.

oh. i guess i talked shit about a lot of things.

hmm. not really sure what he wants to talk about.

well. they talk in riddles about riddles about riddles.

and its all a shitstorm. and thats all they are.

its simple. youve seen a pic of a grey? right?

theyre thin and big heads and big eyes.

and thats about it.

its advantageous to not give genders to slaves.

they cant proliferate.

so is rh+ greys?

and rh- greens?

would make sense.

you make them in a lab.

well. i dont really know how.

havent read any science fiction.

no fantasy books.

figured i would be normal.

so i found the first 3 books about the lord of the rings.

eventually started with book one.

it was about hobbits? great.

then it said "and the evil sorcerer woldemorrt".

oh wait. isnt that from harry potter?

well. whatever he was called.

it doesnt matter.

it was shit fiction. fantasy. etc.

and i stopped reading it there.

i tried the same with the star wars trilogy.

found it on vhs? it had gold rims.

oh. great story about that.

so. was at a support group.

some finnish guy who was gay.

and took a lot of cocaine.

i guess? what else do you snort up your nose?

what if i talked this way to rhiannon and kirin?

wouldnt be that great of an idea huh?

wow. right. food.

oh. am washing a dress.

that could be part of it.

ive had this one for some weeks.

its got a few food stains. some blood.

and. well. i dont get despair

when i masturbate anymore.

shouldnt say more than that.

wooooo. im so free!

from the world!

woo fucking hoo!

well. nothing much happened yesterday.

i just wrote. that was it.

so. finally got that frame.

miss mom said "sätta dit"

which. uh. means frame.

make up shit about them and they get punished.

except, miss ex is lawful/good.

and thats just great.

ill tell mister boss tomorrow we will email eachother.

he will deny it. i guess. but ill only do it that way.

they could always call a bunch of cops on me.

to send me to closed care.

dont really have a fitting description of that place.

its upside down. hmm.

so. lawful/good means.

they make really bad things happen to you.

but they have a heart of gold.

so its all for the better.

and its your own fault.

and nothing is really random.

"the theory of life could include error"

after all. wow. this dress is disgusting.

i guess. oh. maybe its when i looped a suizidcore song.

when mister rockabilly wanted to watch a sunday mass on tv?

i was angry or mad at him or whatever.

because christians cant be good.

then i finally heard something of value that jesus had said.

and ive quoted that a bunch of times so it doesnt matter.

oh. the streaming stopped.

i actually got a new playlist.

Cigarettes After Sex - Crush

isnt that such a great and cool and original name?

and the band seems so serious and everything.

Tove Lo - Habits (Stay High) - Hippie Sabotage Remix

wow. even greater.

it starts with a repeated sample of "oh oh".

highly original and innovative.

design by committee. you know.

if the visuals were like the music.

it would be like early 90s aniga raytracing.

well. it could always be my world.

"i gotta stay high all the time

to keep you off my mind"

well. or you take cisordinol accutard.

because it puts you in a coma for 3 whole days.

and twin flame bonds dissipate in that time.

isnt it great? and so is "karma".

its the same as sin and the purgatory.

except its on earth and its how things work.

and kama is the application of karma.

the eternal reccurence.

things have consequences.

wow. never heard of that.

i guess the main problem.

is that i acknowledge miss doggerlands existance.

and thats not a good idea.

i made her delete her blog. several times.

we didnt really correspond a lot.

i was in fake love.

and made some shitty translations of some songs i pretended to like.

then i did some shitty nonmusic in ableton about it.

and its on some la belle epoque record?

great. that makes sense.

so. theres la belle epoque.

and theres the dark ages.

wow. women whine. men are idiots.

its about equal then.

so. theres a bunch of custom chosen songs.

and i dont really get the deep meaning of it.

i do sometimes. except. now im normal.

now im myself. beyond myself.

im bitter and dead inside.

like in 2001?

and i realized i shouldnt think with my dick.

not care for. what was that christian guys phrasing?

in swedish its called "köttsliga lustar".

laster och lustar.

things that keep you down and things you want that you really dont want.

which are just needed to perpetuate the human race.

hey! spacebears dont poop!

and theyre really fit for a lot of things.

and the greys do lots of experiments on them and thats great.

oh wait. i got that frame. 1x1 meter. because its just great.

and i should care about these kids which i dont know anything about.

and get that low resolution image printed 1x1 meter.

and good things will happen to them.

and really really really bad things will happen to me.

and thats just great.

and i talk in bitter hipster slang.

even greater.

and my language is deficient. even better.

i guess i should delete everything.

because then the demons are happy.

i dont stand out.

i should paint happy little trees.

make art about how unusual i am.

and show the world that im normal.

oh. right. topic.

so after miss mom cursed me.

i dissed 2 rappers. heavily.

except, the messages were insta-deleted on youtube.

but i posted them in some other places?

and then i said ms Gs detractors

were winners of the special olympics.

and i got "do you know these people"

some dude which was about terrorist surviellance in sweden.

and that didnt sound like fun.

so i logged out and shouldnt really return.

i shouldt make my presence known.

and i should be lonely.

and....... im dead.

im toast.

and im disgusting. im gonna shower.

oh wait. no warm water. ok.

ill try anyway. great idea.

oh. boring details.

anyway. i used to talk in that way.

i wasnt aware of it.

bra kul jätte.

and what else was it?

that was about it.

that was in 2011-2012.

i had anxiety 24/7.

so i guess everyone else has that.

and i guess thats my fault.

and thats why im like jesus.

because im a prophet.

"im a god" as mac lethal says.

and the sample was real beautiful.

havent really heard anything as good.

it sounds like.. dreamstep?

youre not allowed to say that though.

you should just say "dubstep".

because dubstep is a large modern genre.

and its supposed to proliferate further.

and you cant make things complicated then.

so. my only clean dress isnt clean anymore.

so. i have some other dress.

which doesnt look pathetic.

in a thermal box.

you know? like.

in sweden. you go on picknicks.

in parks. with your new family.

and you bring sandwiches.

and this weird swedish concept.

which is like soda except theres no carbonation.

we call it "saft". oh. im so boring.

and im dead and the world is dead to me.

and i should write and ignore anyone that says anything to me.

which was miss doggerland. 5 months ago.

and everything is.. superwonderful?

see? i can fit into the modern lingo!

so. posted a bunch of poems. in 2005? after ebony keep closed down.

because im a dweeb. and its maintainer made this great fantasy art.

and she made fun of me. not really. and i got microaggressed.

so i critiqued one of her pieces. no problem.

then i got onto deviantart. posted the critique as a pic.

and linked it from her original pic.

and.........

then she quit drawing.

and i thought i had ruined her life and she was in misery.

wait? i wasnt proud of being stupid back then.

i was just lonely. wanted someone to appretiate me.

to save me. well. no one did.

then i wanted to walk to china.

it makes sense now.

allyekhrah said more than once

"i want to have sex with seas"

i dont think anyone else was so upfront.

that knew more than one thing about me.

so. i survived. no one cared.

and i handled it. on my own.

maybe.

so. sometimes you meet someone.

which turns your world upside down.

everything youve thought about life doesnt work anymore.

and you try to make it last. and it doesnt.

and she wants you to forget everyone else.

and delete all your art about anyone before her.

and youre already really awesome at deleting everything.

except, you have backups of most of your music before.

on your moms pink compact cameras memorycard.

and you didnt treat her well before and was real self absorbed.

so that memory card only has 4gb of storage.

which means all the album art actually only the covers.

are in 320x240 pixels. and you made them in 4k or beyond.

but not really ever cared. so how does it matter?

and the concept of adrenochrome makes sense.

after reading enough shit about it.

i do that. with my eyes. i had some great clever minimal poem about it.

lesse. (hating with your hands and hating with your mind and hating. yeah. just a lot of chaos energy).

if looks could kill

id give breast cancer

if looks could kill

id give you menstruation

if looks could kill

i would make you pregnant

oh. i made it better. about somethings thats not good.

but its not like this bullshit. ok. uploading on mister poetry site.

because really great things will happen then. and ill add not and then ill be clever.

oh. it doesnt have a proper ending. it had one before but it wasnt good.

and im not in the zone so thats impossible to fix. oh well.

wikis are easy to edit.

and what about the title?

oh. what about zoomas? ok. dont really get all the implications of that.

but i can pretend like i know something. awesome! ^_^ catmeowian! im so great! i talk like "us"!

my dad said "its so good to talk to yourself. because you get so good answers".

i didnt really get anything of that. i guess he was ironic.

or that i was in my bubble.

which is what being an aspie is like.

except im so high functioning (how?!) that that definition doesnt apply to me.

sigh. oh well. upload.