(no subject)

[vaaa]

so. autists have a lot of negative emotions.

i didnt have that for awhile. yes. i had despair. but when it was over....... it got better.

and worse. it did cleasne me of negativity. but it added it as well.

no. i dont really understand.

normies are good people.

if no one cares for you?

what do you do?

female angry voice says

"die"

oh. great. made a song like that. so i summoned a spirit. im not very clever.

"i aint fit to live here"

write things of value. do it.

its so easy to judge someones looks from a picture.

i guess im conditioned.

but its good. i dont think its good to like yourself.

then you have nothing to strive for.

and if i rebirth as a woman?

a female circus elephant?

well. i deserve it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QTDcffpunY

i wont read this again. and no one will click that link.

but its how the internet should work.

your interlink things. tried it with the fansite.

it was flawed. a lot.

didnt get enough input from the output.

those few "thanks for the link!"

meant a lot. but i didnt understand that then.

i should have tried drugs before.

but i really shouldnt.

it happened at the the perfect time.

i could lie that it was miss exes sisters fault.

but i know nothing. ive seen her twice.

we havent spoken a word IRL.

and barely in other ways.

if miss exes family and friends used her accounts online.

well. i wouldnt know. i was fooled.

i thought i had a good built in lie detector.

but i made a merk stave.

it was synchronized with several other happenstances.

it was meant to be.

i could complain that youre only allowed to say

"my ex" seldomly and only in negative connotations.

but im not that like.

because any thought or mention of her from my side.

means theres a demon by her side.

thats what i am.

a cyberdemon.

a cyberzombie.

a cybermummy.

"if someone doesnt know youre alive youre not".

i got a reply on mr poetry site 5 months ago.

and i missed it untll now.

i have only myself to blame for that.

it was a horrible poem.

and i wrote it last year.

and i tried to explain how i felt and be amazing.

like a poem with flowers.

have never done that.

i gave someone a flower once.

a purple one. she used some purple

colours in her clothes sometimes.

oh. im not that impressive.

i was impressive to myself.

to my illusion of myself.

and with that gone.

theres nothing left.

ego illusion

dream reality.

well. i dont dream a lot.

ego is self.

without ego.

well. i could speak in terms of a country far away.

but i have no right to do that.

i didnt like what someone had said.

so i semi-quoted some song i didnt like.

your language is so last summer.

so. i was clever. and modern.

and cool. and. yeah. mean.

she deleted her blog.

that was pretty bad.

i leave a trail of death behind me.

and ive been in a reality where that happened.

i looked at a tree. and it withered.

it was early spring.

and the leaves turned brown.

i was back some days later.

and it had no life.

my theory about this.

was the band

world party.

together with the song.

the curse of the mummys tomb.

i felt so clever for finally realising.

but im not. people notice that on the first listen.

because. well. i doesnt matter.

"why do you rap? youre not even special".

no. not special privileged.

protected from evil.

protected from good.

so. skeletons have souls too.

in runescape it was like that.

they had some green glow around their heart.

i could talk about that rapper ive listened a lot to.

but. no. eminems stan warned about things like that.

i dont understand a lot. im not special.

i showed the final "beyond e=mc2" for someone.

she looked impressed.

like. touched. deep inside.

and that sounds creepy.

and my language is deficient.

because my soul is.

because my heart is.

im disgusting.

found someone worse.

i mentioned id been called a psychopath.

he said hed been called a lot worse.

we did some work on something.

then he prodded me a few times.

and. that was it. never saw him more.

i thought he got banned from the place.

but maybe it was opposite.

maybe it was a curse.

he was a nice guy.

he could actually dance.

dubstep style.

if i saw videos of me.

well. i look fucking pathetic.

im not impressive.

im annoying.

im a low grade clown.

and i realized that.

but i hit rock bottom before.

jag krossade hennes hjärta.

and i could be mad at her.

that she lives in more worlds.

and she wanted to give that to me.

but i figured the people who had treated me badly.

the "ballad of k".

the k stands for karolinska.

the psychiatric part.

its big. that place. like a town.

they have a weird way of treating people.

i could say its aliens that run it.

that some people wake up.

and they see the hospital staff as aliens.

well. i dont. i see them in the darkness.

the unseen are seen when you dont see.

makes sense to me.

i could say it in a laughing happy mood.

but my eyes are dead.

way beyond dead.

and i didnt care.

some dude said he had eyes like that.

when he got violent.

well. my mind is violent.

im a cyberdemon.

and lots of synonyms.

and if im a cat? great.

cats are assholes.

they also do wrong.

and they turn psychotic.

violent. and conspire.

and.

yeah.

it was ok before miss ex.

not perfect.

but it was good.

she said that i saw her the first time.

she spoke in parables. like jesus.

well. its over. welcome to reality.

the frozen over hell.

demons live in heaven.

and angels live in hell.

i was a demon.

i had protection from my angels.

and.

theyre gone.

so. blood group A.

is melodramatic.

before. about oxes.

it said that they like to cry a lot.

or that was my theory about myself.

others arent like that.

warm maria looked like she cried a lot.

like she was in pain a lot.

i got the idea to poison her with neuroleptics.

but she had it worse than me.

she was here for awhile.

at the housing.

she worked downstairs.

i chickened out.

and she was afraid of corona.

so maybe her guy doesnt beat her.

she was together with a samurai.

and im not one.

theres no repentence.

there is.

but i cant pray.

that poem.

not mine.

do note that.

There is a room where the light does not reach.

There is a heart that has stopped crying but is still beating.

A pale face that only looks straight ahead.

And the look in the eyes that will always be cold.

Motionless loneliness.

autotranslated.

i said

"then my ex finished me good. now i hate everything"

got the reply "i also hated everything after a relationship gone sour. but i realized it was about karma"

well. there are things beyond karma.

or not. hmm.

im sighing.

i used to sign like a mummy.

got the recommendation not to be creepy because it creeps people out.

i dont listen.

white privilege.

hmm. tired. good night.

that reply just annoyed me. and miss ex gave me everything.

and i threw it away.

so. used to.

good night.

better morning.